Jitters...

Cruising along at therapy speed. The pills aren't causing any noticeable change in me. I am a bit more edgy, but nothing more than what I already am. I guess my big fear coming up is...well..."the shot" I'll be taking tonight.

Laure, I should tell you that I've realized that I don't sleep at night...I think myself into a relaxed state of awareness...but it's not sleep until 5:55am...when I'm supposed to get up at 6am.

The lichten planus is wavering. Some scars have actually healed, while others are relentlessly rearing their ugly heads.

I really like the new school, no matter how much I distrust groups of people...agendas, I think this school might be on the right track. Makes me happy for my boys. Is that selfish?

On Wednesday, 4 ex-girl friends all wrote me simultaneously within 5 minutes, via email. All seem to want to get back together, it's because I have retard urges...I'm almost certain. Life is a path that should never curve back onto itself. (said in my best Chris Farley "White Ninja" dialect), but contrary to the title of my blog (which was intended for smoking cessation)...I can't spin around in circles either.

Motocycle was the best purchase...I decided this morning, I'm thinking about the 1000's again. The 650 is nice, but...and I do mean...but....

Fire!!! Wood!!! I have an evil plan to amass huge quantities of the stuff..this weekend.

Search for balance, enter WIFE.

Explanation:

I don't know how to put this... I didn't sleep last night, lots of angst in the air between my sweet supportive and loving wife and I. I never felt the urge to punch her, slap her, or even backhand her...but she was pretty much begging for it.

Problem:

The kids need rest, sleep, and the coughing needs to be addressed. The wife took the kids to the Dr's (somewhere over in NoVa) and he said..."the kids are fine", but they have been coughing at least 20 times an hour for the last 2 weeks. The clock is ticking on my patience and she's not doing what I'd expect an experienced mother to do.

Obvious lack of tact:

"The kids need to go to bed"..apparently is the battle cry. This starts the sniping and jabbing. Eventually I'm calling her a "moron" for not giving the boys a chance to rest. She says they are resting, which obviously they just got to bed at 9pm. I'm not sure, I was tested...and "they" said I wasn't retarded. With that fragment of reality tightly gripped in my hands...I asked her "Are you retarded?" Because this has been going on for 2 weeks, no rest, blah blah blah... She held her ground. The Dr's say the kids are fine. (kid coughing in the background). Instead of banging my head against this mindless grasp of reality...I decided to go shopping for groceries.

Remember...I must deploy Balance:

No sports for the next two days. Just homework, as much rest and sleep as possible.

Homemade Chicken noodle soup, instead of Pizza. Bed time, which includes reading their books, making their beds, and cleaning up before crashing out, instead of 2 hours of video games. Tonight, I got some "Children's Nyquil"...this should be the footprints of a full recovery this week, instead of getting drunk on wine to drown out the coughing all night.

Between all this:

Ever been diving in the ocean and you come across the "tube worms" with their brownish and yellow fans floating in the tide? Then the little pieces of food land on it..and it sucks the fan in and immediately pushes it back out? Well..if you attack the worm it pulls it's fan back really quickly and is reluctant to push it back out...until the threat is gone? Wife's still there.

But there is plenty of time for me to suffer the effects of the treatment... Day 4 and I feel fine, a lot better than I thought. But I am very "retractive emotionally towards unpleasant or complex situations." I'd rather pull back and walk away (go grocery shopping while feeling nausea)...instead of argue with a drunken and pissed off wife.

Nothing to add...

Another night of sweats, tossing, and turning. Where does all the sweat go in the morning, it must evaporate... Maybe, I could be the humidifier my wife has always wanted while she sleeps at night. Just give me 3 bottles of water and 3 ribaviron pills.

Went home sick yesterday, really felt like trash. As soon as I got home, I felt good again..but didn't want to drive back to work. Still hunting for a balance.

I felt the urge to kick something while I was upset this morning. I'm the type that's always a little upset...but to kick something was a little different. Keeping a tab on that "thing" closely.

It's Tuesday, work is calling and I have stuff I need to get done. On another note...this condition has been the elephant in the room since I found out that I had it...maybe even before then. Regardless of the reason, I feel good that I'm addressing it.

9 years ago when the kids were born, I felt a "change" in my energy. I wonder if it was the onset of the HEP C,...

I can handle this...

So I finish my blog last night, get a bottle of water down and crash out. Took about 5 leaks during the night, drank another 2 bottles.

As I slept, and this is a first, I broke out in the sweats. Not one of those sweaty forehead deals, but more like puddles of sweat in your belly button kind of nights. I assume the chemo (pegasus/ribaviron) therapy took a turn. My itches on my hands and legs have "really" started to get really itchy as well. The soreness in my joints seems to focus on different parts of my body...ignoring the others until due process. Legs a bit sore..but nothing like the effects from the first set of pills.

I never told the wife about the sweats, we have a king sized bed and rarely touch each other as it is... I wonder what she'd have thought if she looked over last night and saw me squirting infected juice out of all my pores? These thoughts shouldn't be here for another 7 or so weeks...so I'll just blow them off for now.

I need a better morning start plan. Winter is coming, so I might just be naturally inclined to park the motorcycle instead of riding every day. Winter is coming and I'm all for babying myself during the treatment... I'm excited to start my Monday!!!

Reflecting on my life recently, I've come to terms with the fact that...I'm not lazy, but given a chance, I will fall into a deep sleep for hours. Not sure of the exact reason, but I need to do some research to determine if this is a result of the rise of HEP C viral loads in my system. If that is the case, WATCH OUT WORLD...I'm in treatment and will be hunting you down again..like I did in my 30's.

Life is Good!! Enter "HEP C"...

First Signs:

One day I wake up, realize that I'm 48. So I started running in October of 2011, my plan was to get into the best shape of my life by the time I was 50. I started by getting a dog and running in the morning. Everything was good, but it became apparent after a very short while that I would run into this wall of exhaustion. I pushed against it...constantly being pushed back, then the joint pain...then the rashes...ugh.

So I went to the Dr's in February or March of 2012 to find out why I couldn't handle the added pressure of running, plus I developed a rash on my wrists and legs. The bad news was that I have Chronic Hepatitis C, further testing provided the "Genotype 3", which is supposedly good news.

I accepted the Dr's advice and decided to start the Pegasus/Ribaviron therapy. I'd put off the start date for most of the summer. Told my bosses at work, my friends, and now you. So here we go...

Successful Launch:

I started my first injection on the 21st of Sept, 2012. Two days ago. I decided to do this Friday night at 9pm then taking the pills at 9am the following morning. Great plan and I thought it was going to be a breeze. The shot didn't do much too me, I felt fine... But then the pills the next morning. About 2 hours after I took the pills the wheels came off my super hero bus!!! Remember the worst flu fever you ever had? Add about one more level of discomfort to that. The good news is that I felt better as the next series of treatments went on, leading to now...a very manageable reaction. Just in 3 days I've developed a sense of balance and trust that I will be able to complete the 12 week series and keep running. Let me tell you this, taking the pills Saturday night went against every sort of self preservation I'd ever been taught. I hated that I actually took them and waited for death to come get me. What I think is happening is that the Pegasus shot is going to be the new bastard in my life for next 12 weeks.

I would like to tell you that if you work a Mon~Friday job, start on Friday night and don't plan anything for Saturday or most of Sunday. I feel confident to go to work on Monday.