Finally...I think I found a way...

So all the previous whining has been about suffering the effects of the treatment...being like a rat in a cage of piginterferon and ribaviron. The sudden crashes, the feeling sick...and the return to bed to survive the ravages. The circle was tightening around me, I canceled all my Monday and Tuesdays at work...but now, I think I've found a way.

The problem was the up and down...followed by the clouds of logical decision making while feeling internally exponentially tired and sick. It was then I started to discover that the up's and down's were based on energy depletion and lack of readily available reserves. Having a well rounded meal solved the problem temporarily and also started a feeling of nausea. So... here is the solution I've found.

Eat all day, small portions of good healthy food. Stay way from fat, grease, and snot that will clog you up. Stay light weight, protein rich, and limit the intake. Feeling full felt disgustingly like a grandparent farting on you. So the key is to be able to stop eating as it is to keep eating. Ice cold grapes, carrots, and other crunchy stuff...not only hits the spot..but keeps you from crashing, from going into your reserves, from going back to bed.

I struggled to get the energy right to drive to work. Once at work, I struggled to focus and keep my energy levels from crashing. Having lunch with the group forced me to eat large and centered around one meal. Then having to drive back home. Now I am balanced...headed to work with good energy and enough energy to return home.

I still can't sleep and I haven't figured that one out. But one thing I did notice recently is this... Eating small and often means you have to continue throughout the night. So keep a few carrots ready, a couple grapes, and a bottle of water. I keep it all in the kitchen so I don't disturb the wife too much.

We'll see how this goes over the long run. But I feel much more confident about the next 3 months of treatment. By the way, my tests came back on Thanksgiving and I'm at zero viral load...which means the treatment is working for me... sticking to the treatment has been the toughest part of this good news.

I also refuse to take Xanax or other drugs...for sleep or mood. I believe for one to truly enjoy life...you must embrace the rain as you would the sun.

It's been 5+ years since I've lost my teen aged crush on Angelina Jolie... Now I have a new girl...

Riba Urine....

I don't blame the world for the HEP C virus, I don't think I could argue that HEP C doesn't have a rightful place on this planet. She's a bitch and she keeps herself clean by washing the herd clean of the weak and sick. Again, I lean heavily upon father medicine to protect me from my mother earth...and her hordes of infectious and often deadly population controls. Given the chance...I too would cut the wheat fields.

Three things that can help you get through the "Treatment" if you end up with my shoes. #1: Vietnamese Pho Noodles. #2: Enjoyment of the last few hours before the next Pegasus injection. #3: A dog that loves to lay next to you during the worst hours of the week. (Sunday and Monday)

Now to explain the title. Urine is a very important marker (pardon the pun) to keep tabs on your progress, fluid levels, and general functionality. At first, the Urine was dark, heavy and "thick?"... Ton's of water help, it flows through you back to the Oceans...and hopefully back into the Glaciers (I digress). The many trips to the toilet in the middle of the night is a good thing, it breaks up the sleepless nights and it allows you to know your GI track is pounding out a steady beat...even at night. I noticed my kids urine flow was lacking, so I filled them with water and refocused on their needs....now they pee like masters... Urine...it does a body good.

My kids and wife have risen to the challenge of me getting healthy again...I applaud them and their efforts. Moving the cord of firewood, enduring the freezing nights without heat (broken HVAC), the smelly water from the water heater, and finally...me. Kudo's to you all and I will not forget your support. Dad will be back...and we will put all this behind us.

This stuff as I know it.

The situation is that I self administer a shot on Friday night.  This causes me to ruin my whole weekend for my family and I.  The 3 pills twice a day interact with the shot…as the week proceeds the effect on me is less traumatic.   Mondays and Tuesdays…I don't believe I should be in the office.  Driving into the office is dangerous (I almost wrecked twice today) and I'm exhausted by the time I get here, getting home is not something I want to face either…right now I feel sort of trapped.  By Wednesday…to Friday I'm more like myself and am prepared to deal with the work.

There are two components I see at work during the "hard times" with the drugs.  First…emotionally interacting with people is extremely difficult.  Second…finishing a thought is tough…completing a simple task seems to make me want to puke…or feel nauseous.  

The wife is suggesting that I move the shot from Friday night to Sunday night, making Monday ~ Wednesdays…the worst days.  Giving me the time I need to pull myself back together for work and leaving me the best time to spend with my family on the weekends.

So…there you have it.  I'm probably going to take off all my Mondays and Tuesdays…until I finish the treatment.  I'm told that soon as the treatment ends, there are no adverse side effects.   

Today has been very tough for me to get into the office.  I am moving equipment home with me today to setup for telecommuting. 

Angry Smiles...

Well the treatment is underway...and it sucks.  I look forward to 21 weeks from now when I can get out of this....shit.  No sleep, constant feeling of nausea, massive "hit and run" headaches, bones..muscle aches...and my balls...they hurt too.

I don't really understand what is meant by "It's worth it" and "It'll be better"...sure I will be free of the virus...but then what?  I don't know if I was in pain all the time, sure there was pain...but wasn't it natural or normal pain of a 48 year old man?  I just don't know what to expect on the other side?

I felt good the last two days.  A fluke?  I mean...I was in good spirits...in bad physical shape.  I am trying to embrace the insanity that "smiling and stupid" is better than "angry and sharp"...I've always been "sharp" and focused...so letting go and being stupid and dumb...may be the only way out of this whole thing.

Anyway...  I'm in hunt of balance with calming myself down around my family...who are more important than anyone else...really.  Work, I'm starting to get short with people...really short with vendor types.

Well...today is Friday.  It's in the evening and it's been quite a week.   So let's just start off slowly...

 I haven't heard much from my Dad...which creates an enormous cloud of doubt and stress.   My sister sent me some info on vitamin K..which sort of stressed me out.  I know it's important to watch my diet, but as with all things in my life....I just ride the "vibes"...when I feel like I need an egg...I break into an egg binge.  So her suggestion to focus on my diet...is new. 

I quit smoking and nicorette at the same time I started the Pegasus/Ribaviron treatment.  I am without a doubt...certain that this wasn't one of my brightest ideas.  But it was a novel idea to actually kick HEP C and cigarettes in one fell swoop.    How nice it is that I never cared much  for beer or booze.  It's never been a "thing" for me. Thanks to Jerry Rice (WR 49'rs) for his belief that booze is extremely bad for the body.  I've always thought that the reason I'm skinny...is because I don't drink.

Wednesday afternoon, a good friend and coworker...betrayed my trust in him as a person...  It's okay, we are all human, I rationalize...  I think it's the betrayal that opened my eyes to people in general.  How is it that I feel the importance to teach my kids how to be good people, when they will be entrenched with a society full of people that lie and cheat just because it's easier than dealing with the reality of their own actions?  The harder path in life....is to stay true to the conviction of being a good person.  The good guy always finishes last.  My motorcycle is in the shop, the guy admitted under a veiled threat, and life will move onward without much conflict.  I'm not spreading his deed around the office...somehow I've developed compassion for the devil.  I'm not perfect...and by far an angel...  But I try...

I'm having a hard time focusing at work.  Thoughts of me spending my last years in a cubical sickens me...  But, This coming week...I will put everything in my personal life aside..and attack my professional requirements. 

Met my "Doctor" today, even though here in these United States she's a PA.  I don't know what to make of our situation, but I believe she's got the goal of my success at heart.  I suspect I sense her "holding back" is the result of years of experience with HVC clients...  I'll trust her.  Today at the office, I was overcome by her being cute.  Her professional stature, her accent, her business as usual approach...works nicely with my institutionalized medical history.  Sort of like the relationship between a Vet and a dog...the dog somehow knows the Vet is trustworthy.  The girl that processes my payments was cracking me up....  She's sweet as well.  The way she talks is fun to listen to, she was raised in Uruguay.  The more I hear Hispanics speak, the more I'm queuing in on their dialects.  Thanks to Maria in my office...I feel an enlightenment of Hispanic culture.

The wife and I need to find balance.  Tonight I suggested that she make an appointment with my Doctor (Laure) so that I don't have to "patch" her sinking understanding of the situation every 5 minutes.  I find that I cannot communicate to her the information she needs to understand...  The wife is taking everything in a personal way...which is stressing me the fuck out!!!  But tonight I took a nice long walk in the park across the street.  The cool part of the "park" is...it's a National Park, it's huge...and it's got streams, rivers, paths...deer, rabbits..fox...stuff that puts me in with nature.  It reminds me of the 12 year old me that found a pond in the middle of a forest in Northern Japan in the late 70's.  I spent 100's of hours of my summers...sitting in the middle of that quiet place...alone.  The flash back to that peaceful place is dramatic.  Probably the drugs.

Okay, I've "whine boarded" you enough.  Alex and Zack are excited about x-country running....they ran the whole 2 miles without stopping...  I'm very proud of them.  This new side of town is like living on the other side of the world compared to the old house.  I'm so happy we moved.

Things your Dr's don't tell you?

My friend "in need", the Doctor in his own mind, is certain that I'm headed towards two specific meltdowns. He's rarely wrong. First, I will become anemic. After losing ton's of weight, I will look like one of them fella's they found in Auschwitz. The next is the mental meltdown.

Why hasn't my doctor said anything about these side effects? Why haven't I been briefed? More than likely... I never asked. Too late to ask questions now, treatment is underway and I'm moving in slow motion towards the finish line.

Sleep continues to elude me. Wife couldn't sleep starting last night around "something O'clock" in the morning, but instead of kicking me out...she ran off.

Scabs are popping off from the scars on my legs...not as bad as it sounds, but this means there is a lot of open blood after showers. So I stay away from everyone and sterilize my bath towels when I do laundry. I think I'm at the beginning stages of the ugly end of the Licten Planus. The skin disorder seems to keep marching on...with new "bands" of sore starting down (or up) the insides of my arms. Really hoping the treatment continues to wage war against these scars..

I dread the shot on Fridays which is a good thing. It makes the weeks much shorter, sort of like the last week of a prisoner waiting to be executed. I'm almost certain the hands on the clock really start to spin when you are on that schedule. Only 10 more of these treatments to go.

The week...and?

Yeah, so after the self administered shot on Friday night...I was ok. The next morning, taking the pills...really jammed me, but having done this the week before, I just pushed through the foggy thoughts, achey bones, muscle pains on Saturday. While at the kids baseball game, some coach gave me 4 tickets to the Orioles vs. Red Sox game at Camden Yards (executive suites) and parking. So we all went to see the game and crashed an executive suite party. Crab Cakes, Steak, about 20 different desserts to choose from, ribs, burgers, hot dogs...ton's of beer, soda, and water...cookies. Air conditioned private bathroom... The works... Not a soul in there knew who we were and they were some small printing company from Dundalk... The owner was there...I could tell he didn't like it too much, but we were respectful. Virginia ate 4 crab cakes!!! The boys realized how cool the seats were and really liked it. We left in the 5th inning, had to drive home.

On Sunday, I was out...picking up some firewood from this ole' boy I knew out from years ago in Clinton, MD. I think he used to chop wood for his health, now he's retired and this was probably his last year. 1 Cord for 120.00, it is a good price...rented a trailer from UHAUL, so the total was about 150.00, split the cost with a couple neighbors and everyone got some nice firewood. They all did the labor, I just did the driving. Good people in our new 'hood. The tendency to work together to get things done is more prevalent.

Therapist started bugging me, we have an appt this Friday. Test my viral load and check if I'm having strange thoughts...which I am. Woke up the other night worried about the cat at 2:30am. The cat is sick, and was drowsy for the last 2 days...so it wasn't made up. I just seemed to over think it... Then the whole thing with Mit Romney's wife...which was clearly the drugs f'n with my head.

Kids, Wife, and I...happy campers this morning.

Jitters...

Cruising along at therapy speed. The pills aren't causing any noticeable change in me. I am a bit more edgy, but nothing more than what I already am. I guess my big fear coming up is...well..."the shot" I'll be taking tonight.

Laure, I should tell you that I've realized that I don't sleep at night...I think myself into a relaxed state of awareness...but it's not sleep until 5:55am...when I'm supposed to get up at 6am.

The lichten planus is wavering. Some scars have actually healed, while others are relentlessly rearing their ugly heads.

I really like the new school, no matter how much I distrust groups of people...agendas, I think this school might be on the right track. Makes me happy for my boys. Is that selfish?

On Wednesday, 4 ex-girl friends all wrote me simultaneously within 5 minutes, via email. All seem to want to get back together, it's because I have retard urges...I'm almost certain. Life is a path that should never curve back onto itself. (said in my best Chris Farley "White Ninja" dialect), but contrary to the title of my blog (which was intended for smoking cessation)...I can't spin around in circles either.

Motocycle was the best purchase...I decided this morning, I'm thinking about the 1000's again. The 650 is nice, but...and I do mean...but....

Fire!!! Wood!!! I have an evil plan to amass huge quantities of the stuff..this weekend.

Search for balance, enter WIFE.

Explanation:

I don't know how to put this... I didn't sleep last night, lots of angst in the air between my sweet supportive and loving wife and I. I never felt the urge to punch her, slap her, or even backhand her...but she was pretty much begging for it.

Problem:

The kids need rest, sleep, and the coughing needs to be addressed. The wife took the kids to the Dr's (somewhere over in NoVa) and he said..."the kids are fine", but they have been coughing at least 20 times an hour for the last 2 weeks. The clock is ticking on my patience and she's not doing what I'd expect an experienced mother to do.

Obvious lack of tact:

"The kids need to go to bed"..apparently is the battle cry. This starts the sniping and jabbing. Eventually I'm calling her a "moron" for not giving the boys a chance to rest. She says they are resting, which obviously they just got to bed at 9pm. I'm not sure, I was tested...and "they" said I wasn't retarded. With that fragment of reality tightly gripped in my hands...I asked her "Are you retarded?" Because this has been going on for 2 weeks, no rest, blah blah blah... She held her ground. The Dr's say the kids are fine. (kid coughing in the background). Instead of banging my head against this mindless grasp of reality...I decided to go shopping for groceries.

Remember...I must deploy Balance:

No sports for the next two days. Just homework, as much rest and sleep as possible.

Homemade Chicken noodle soup, instead of Pizza. Bed time, which includes reading their books, making their beds, and cleaning up before crashing out, instead of 2 hours of video games. Tonight, I got some "Children's Nyquil"...this should be the footprints of a full recovery this week, instead of getting drunk on wine to drown out the coughing all night.

Between all this:

Ever been diving in the ocean and you come across the "tube worms" with their brownish and yellow fans floating in the tide? Then the little pieces of food land on it..and it sucks the fan in and immediately pushes it back out? Well..if you attack the worm it pulls it's fan back really quickly and is reluctant to push it back out...until the threat is gone? Wife's still there.

But there is plenty of time for me to suffer the effects of the treatment... Day 4 and I feel fine, a lot better than I thought. But I am very "retractive emotionally towards unpleasant or complex situations." I'd rather pull back and walk away (go grocery shopping while feeling nausea)...instead of argue with a drunken and pissed off wife.

Nothing to add...

Another night of sweats, tossing, and turning. Where does all the sweat go in the morning, it must evaporate... Maybe, I could be the humidifier my wife has always wanted while she sleeps at night. Just give me 3 bottles of water and 3 ribaviron pills.

Went home sick yesterday, really felt like trash. As soon as I got home, I felt good again..but didn't want to drive back to work. Still hunting for a balance.

I felt the urge to kick something while I was upset this morning. I'm the type that's always a little upset...but to kick something was a little different. Keeping a tab on that "thing" closely.

It's Tuesday, work is calling and I have stuff I need to get done. On another note...this condition has been the elephant in the room since I found out that I had it...maybe even before then. Regardless of the reason, I feel good that I'm addressing it.

9 years ago when the kids were born, I felt a "change" in my energy. I wonder if it was the onset of the HEP C,...

I can handle this...

So I finish my blog last night, get a bottle of water down and crash out. Took about 5 leaks during the night, drank another 2 bottles.

As I slept, and this is a first, I broke out in the sweats. Not one of those sweaty forehead deals, but more like puddles of sweat in your belly button kind of nights. I assume the chemo (pegasus/ribaviron) therapy took a turn. My itches on my hands and legs have "really" started to get really itchy as well. The soreness in my joints seems to focus on different parts of my body...ignoring the others until due process. Legs a bit sore..but nothing like the effects from the first set of pills.

I never told the wife about the sweats, we have a king sized bed and rarely touch each other as it is... I wonder what she'd have thought if she looked over last night and saw me squirting infected juice out of all my pores? These thoughts shouldn't be here for another 7 or so weeks...so I'll just blow them off for now.

I need a better morning start plan. Winter is coming, so I might just be naturally inclined to park the motorcycle instead of riding every day. Winter is coming and I'm all for babying myself during the treatment... I'm excited to start my Monday!!!

Reflecting on my life recently, I've come to terms with the fact that...I'm not lazy, but given a chance, I will fall into a deep sleep for hours. Not sure of the exact reason, but I need to do some research to determine if this is a result of the rise of HEP C viral loads in my system. If that is the case, WATCH OUT WORLD...I'm in treatment and will be hunting you down again..like I did in my 30's.

Life is Good!! Enter "HEP C"...

First Signs:

One day I wake up, realize that I'm 48. So I started running in October of 2011, my plan was to get into the best shape of my life by the time I was 50. I started by getting a dog and running in the morning. Everything was good, but it became apparent after a very short while that I would run into this wall of exhaustion. I pushed against it...constantly being pushed back, then the joint pain...then the rashes...ugh.

So I went to the Dr's in February or March of 2012 to find out why I couldn't handle the added pressure of running, plus I developed a rash on my wrists and legs. The bad news was that I have Chronic Hepatitis C, further testing provided the "Genotype 3", which is supposedly good news.

I accepted the Dr's advice and decided to start the Pegasus/Ribaviron therapy. I'd put off the start date for most of the summer. Told my bosses at work, my friends, and now you. So here we go...

Successful Launch:

I started my first injection on the 21st of Sept, 2012. Two days ago. I decided to do this Friday night at 9pm then taking the pills at 9am the following morning. Great plan and I thought it was going to be a breeze. The shot didn't do much too me, I felt fine... But then the pills the next morning. About 2 hours after I took the pills the wheels came off my super hero bus!!! Remember the worst flu fever you ever had? Add about one more level of discomfort to that. The good news is that I felt better as the next series of treatments went on, leading to now...a very manageable reaction. Just in 3 days I've developed a sense of balance and trust that I will be able to complete the 12 week series and keep running. Let me tell you this, taking the pills Saturday night went against every sort of self preservation I'd ever been taught. I hated that I actually took them and waited for death to come get me. What I think is happening is that the Pegasus shot is going to be the new bastard in my life for next 12 weeks.

I would like to tell you that if you work a Mon~Friday job, start on Friday night and don't plan anything for Saturday or most of Sunday. I feel confident to go to work on Monday.