This stuff as I know it.

The situation is that I self administer a shot on Friday night.  This causes me to ruin my whole weekend for my family and I.  The 3 pills twice a day interact with the shot…as the week proceeds the effect on me is less traumatic.   Mondays and Tuesdays…I don't believe I should be in the office.  Driving into the office is dangerous (I almost wrecked twice today) and I'm exhausted by the time I get here, getting home is not something I want to face either…right now I feel sort of trapped.  By Wednesday…to Friday I'm more like myself and am prepared to deal with the work.

There are two components I see at work during the "hard times" with the drugs.  First…emotionally interacting with people is extremely difficult.  Second…finishing a thought is tough…completing a simple task seems to make me want to puke…or feel nauseous.  

The wife is suggesting that I move the shot from Friday night to Sunday night, making Monday ~ Wednesdays…the worst days.  Giving me the time I need to pull myself back together for work and leaving me the best time to spend with my family on the weekends.

So…there you have it.  I'm probably going to take off all my Mondays and Tuesdays…until I finish the treatment.  I'm told that soon as the treatment ends, there are no adverse side effects.   

Today has been very tough for me to get into the office.  I am moving equipment home with me today to setup for telecommuting. 

Angry Smiles...

Well the treatment is underway...and it sucks.  I look forward to 21 weeks from now when I can get out of this....shit.  No sleep, constant feeling of nausea, massive "hit and run" headaches, bones..muscle aches...and my balls...they hurt too.

I don't really understand what is meant by "It's worth it" and "It'll be better"...sure I will be free of the virus...but then what?  I don't know if I was in pain all the time, sure there was pain...but wasn't it natural or normal pain of a 48 year old man?  I just don't know what to expect on the other side?

I felt good the last two days.  A fluke?  I mean...I was in good spirits...in bad physical shape.  I am trying to embrace the insanity that "smiling and stupid" is better than "angry and sharp"...I've always been "sharp" and focused...so letting go and being stupid and dumb...may be the only way out of this whole thing.

Anyway...  I'm in hunt of balance with calming myself down around my family...who are more important than anyone else...really.  Work, I'm starting to get short with people...really short with vendor types.

Well...today is Friday.  It's in the evening and it's been quite a week.   So let's just start off slowly...

 I haven't heard much from my Dad...which creates an enormous cloud of doubt and stress.   My sister sent me some info on vitamin K..which sort of stressed me out.  I know it's important to watch my diet, but as with all things in my life....I just ride the "vibes"...when I feel like I need an egg...I break into an egg binge.  So her suggestion to focus on my diet...is new. 

I quit smoking and nicorette at the same time I started the Pegasus/Ribaviron treatment.  I am without a doubt...certain that this wasn't one of my brightest ideas.  But it was a novel idea to actually kick HEP C and cigarettes in one fell swoop.    How nice it is that I never cared much  for beer or booze.  It's never been a "thing" for me. Thanks to Jerry Rice (WR 49'rs) for his belief that booze is extremely bad for the body.  I've always thought that the reason I'm skinny...is because I don't drink.

Wednesday afternoon, a good friend and coworker...betrayed my trust in him as a person...  It's okay, we are all human, I rationalize...  I think it's the betrayal that opened my eyes to people in general.  How is it that I feel the importance to teach my kids how to be good people, when they will be entrenched with a society full of people that lie and cheat just because it's easier than dealing with the reality of their own actions?  The harder path in life....is to stay true to the conviction of being a good person.  The good guy always finishes last.  My motorcycle is in the shop, the guy admitted under a veiled threat, and life will move onward without much conflict.  I'm not spreading his deed around the office...somehow I've developed compassion for the devil.  I'm not perfect...and by far an angel...  But I try...

I'm having a hard time focusing at work.  Thoughts of me spending my last years in a cubical sickens me...  But, This coming week...I will put everything in my personal life aside..and attack my professional requirements. 

Met my "Doctor" today, even though here in these United States she's a PA.  I don't know what to make of our situation, but I believe she's got the goal of my success at heart.  I suspect I sense her "holding back" is the result of years of experience with HVC clients...  I'll trust her.  Today at the office, I was overcome by her being cute.  Her professional stature, her accent, her business as usual approach...works nicely with my institutionalized medical history.  Sort of like the relationship between a Vet and a dog...the dog somehow knows the Vet is trustworthy.  The girl that processes my payments was cracking me up....  She's sweet as well.  The way she talks is fun to listen to, she was raised in Uruguay.  The more I hear Hispanics speak, the more I'm queuing in on their dialects.  Thanks to Maria in my office...I feel an enlightenment of Hispanic culture.

The wife and I need to find balance.  Tonight I suggested that she make an appointment with my Doctor (Laure) so that I don't have to "patch" her sinking understanding of the situation every 5 minutes.  I find that I cannot communicate to her the information she needs to understand...  The wife is taking everything in a personal way...which is stressing me the fuck out!!!  But tonight I took a nice long walk in the park across the street.  The cool part of the "park" is...it's a National Park, it's huge...and it's got streams, rivers, paths...deer, rabbits..fox...stuff that puts me in with nature.  It reminds me of the 12 year old me that found a pond in the middle of a forest in Northern Japan in the late 70's.  I spent 100's of hours of my summers...sitting in the middle of that quiet place...alone.  The flash back to that peaceful place is dramatic.  Probably the drugs.

Okay, I've "whine boarded" you enough.  Alex and Zack are excited about x-country running....they ran the whole 2 miles without stopping...  I'm very proud of them.  This new side of town is like living on the other side of the world compared to the old house.  I'm so happy we moved.

Things your Dr's don't tell you?

My friend "in need", the Doctor in his own mind, is certain that I'm headed towards two specific meltdowns. He's rarely wrong. First, I will become anemic. After losing ton's of weight, I will look like one of them fella's they found in Auschwitz. The next is the mental meltdown.

Why hasn't my doctor said anything about these side effects? Why haven't I been briefed? More than likely... I never asked. Too late to ask questions now, treatment is underway and I'm moving in slow motion towards the finish line.

Sleep continues to elude me. Wife couldn't sleep starting last night around "something O'clock" in the morning, but instead of kicking me out...she ran off.

Scabs are popping off from the scars on my legs...not as bad as it sounds, but this means there is a lot of open blood after showers. So I stay away from everyone and sterilize my bath towels when I do laundry. I think I'm at the beginning stages of the ugly end of the Licten Planus. The skin disorder seems to keep marching on...with new "bands" of sore starting down (or up) the insides of my arms. Really hoping the treatment continues to wage war against these scars..

I dread the shot on Fridays which is a good thing. It makes the weeks much shorter, sort of like the last week of a prisoner waiting to be executed. I'm almost certain the hands on the clock really start to spin when you are on that schedule. Only 10 more of these treatments to go.

The week...and?

Yeah, so after the self administered shot on Friday night...I was ok. The next morning, taking the pills...really jammed me, but having done this the week before, I just pushed through the foggy thoughts, achey bones, muscle pains on Saturday. While at the kids baseball game, some coach gave me 4 tickets to the Orioles vs. Red Sox game at Camden Yards (executive suites) and parking. So we all went to see the game and crashed an executive suite party. Crab Cakes, Steak, about 20 different desserts to choose from, ribs, burgers, hot dogs...ton's of beer, soda, and water...cookies. Air conditioned private bathroom... The works... Not a soul in there knew who we were and they were some small printing company from Dundalk... The owner was there...I could tell he didn't like it too much, but we were respectful. Virginia ate 4 crab cakes!!! The boys realized how cool the seats were and really liked it. We left in the 5th inning, had to drive home.

On Sunday, I was out...picking up some firewood from this ole' boy I knew out from years ago in Clinton, MD. I think he used to chop wood for his health, now he's retired and this was probably his last year. 1 Cord for 120.00, it is a good price...rented a trailer from UHAUL, so the total was about 150.00, split the cost with a couple neighbors and everyone got some nice firewood. They all did the labor, I just did the driving. Good people in our new 'hood. The tendency to work together to get things done is more prevalent.

Therapist started bugging me, we have an appt this Friday. Test my viral load and check if I'm having strange thoughts...which I am. Woke up the other night worried about the cat at 2:30am. The cat is sick, and was drowsy for the last 2 days...so it wasn't made up. I just seemed to over think it... Then the whole thing with Mit Romney's wife...which was clearly the drugs f'n with my head.

Kids, Wife, and I...happy campers this morning.