The worm has turned...for him.

So my father is dying and as he has his whole life...is focused mostly on food.  Food...  I guess in our modern lives, we don't see food as much more than a small part of our day.  Let there be a 35% drop in that level of food and all hell will probably break loose.  I've been hungry.  I recall not having any money coming in and 3 weeks before I was to show up for a job.  With 15.00 in my pocket, I bought a huge bag of dry cat food.  By the time I got a paycheck in 6 weeks...I'd eaten that bag and lost a few pounds, but I survived.  When I got paid...I got evicted and had a job, but no place to stay.  Quitting a "thug's life" was pretty hard for me.  My partner had been tossed in prison...and our collective skills were nothing without each other...so I drifted...but kept a job, kept my nose clean...and enrolled into a community college...the turn started back then...phase 2 or 3 of my 7 possible phases in life.

Back to my Dad.  I'm not sure what I think of him honestly.  I see how he made the world work for him, but having been raised a military brat, I don't see a lot of self motivation coming from a life in the military...you have no decisions to make, every major decision is made for you.  You merely do the best you can to fulfill that "order" that "command"...  He strived to become an officer, crazy bastard went through OTS (Officer Training School) at 35 years old.  Pretty hardcore I suspect.  I believe I could do it right now at almost 50...  But I don't take away where he came from.  It's not entirely true that I find him to be the greatest person in my life...nor have I ever really trusted him with my life.  He bitched that he spent 7.5k on me over the years.  I've spent easily that much on my two kids for each year.

For him it's money and food.  The motivation for an ant is more noble by the fact an ant feels an obligation to his colony.  My dad has made perfectly clear that he's giving all his money to wounded warriors and needy kids.  I really don't care any more.  I will give my last cent to send my kids to school and prop my wife up with a comfortable path to her eventual death.  Me?  I'm not going down an old man barely alive and hanging on to each thread.  I'm going out in a bang.  My death will be for a cause much larger and nobel than myself.  I imagine a freedom fighter waging war in the streets where western and eastern ideologies clash in mindless violence.  Although I'm not a christian, I will kill the christian enemy with extreme prejudice...  Better than have my kids have to fight those sacks of meat.

My life will have meaning in this empty void of space we trudge through...

He tells me to stay away from salt...because it's killing him.  Great word of advice for your son as you are dying.  "Stay away from salt, boy...."  I've been staying away from salt for the last 20 years, because...like all important things I will pass on to my child....I had to learn without his help.

Teaching my kids...passing knowledge, giving an edge for them to grab onto.  I try to teach them things to shelter them....but honestly, all they can see is an angry old man.  I hope this angry old man imparts on them the values they'll need to move forward...whatever that future may hold in store for them.

8 Months Since I started...

Started the treatment Sept 24, so my final blood tests will be 1 year from that date.  Over the years of the "decline" into my HEP-C realization and treatment...I could feel my creativity melting away, my art...my energy to produce the parts that are clearly human.  I thought this is what old age is, this is the process of death...to feel your parts disappear and being aware of them dissolving as the remaining years slip away.  But, I'm happy to report, my energy is returning.  I feel waves of repair and my ability to tackle complex problems returning.  Which is sort of important for a programmer type.  My energy takes on different shapes from building out parts of the house to sketching a little face on a piece of paper, it's coming back.

I met a wonderful person at the dog park, her husband and her are facing problems that make my short exposure to the frailty of the human experience seem...meaningless.  I wish I could do something or anything.  My only gift is cold logic...which could be hurtful if taken the wrong way, but is entirely meant in an understanding, no frills,  acceptance of the suffering of another person.  I don't feel pity for them, I am amazed at their resolve to push through the obvious setbacks...and reach higher.  Both of them are beautiful people, the world could use a few more of them.

I wonder about life, joy, and pain.  My understanding is based on something as simple as a tadpole turning into a frog.  I wonder if growing legs, losing a tail...switching to lungs from gills is as painful as a human baby cutting teeth?  It has to be a little more than discomfort to transition so dramatically.  Ear, head, stomach aches... and all this...followed by periods of comfort.  A frog sitting over his domain on his edge of the pond must feel pretty good...  the Moon light glistening on his head...as he awaits his next meal to come wondering along.  A caterpillar turning into a moth...is there intense pain followed by the pure joy of flight?  If so, which I suspect there is pain...life is merely suffering interrupted by short moments of joy.  The longer the suffering...the greater the joy by relation.

Flesh...falling off of my body.

So this all started back in early 2012, when a flea or bug of some sort walked up my right leg biting here...and there...and here again.  So bumps never healed...they got worse, the swelled up and turned a grayish black color.  On the other leg some mencing circles began to develop as well.  Over time, these marks appear on my hands and forearms.

9 months of decisions and treatment later:

The marks are still there.  My hands seems to have healed up, but respond to stress or something, but my legs haven't changed a bit.  So...I started to put Desonex on the scars...a prescription that I was given years ago for a similar scar on my chest.  It started with trickle...and continues, in the second week after putting that acid on the skin....to turn into larger and larger flow of blood....but the healing seems to be clear of the scars.

So...in a year or two, I should be completely healed.

Done with Pegasus...now the healing.

Facts and Lessons from a HEP-C Genotype 3: 

1. People will say they understand.
2. There is nothing nice about this treatment.
3. People will kick you while you are down.
4. Coconut oil is an awesome body rub.
5. Your pets will attempt to dominate you.
6. To save your skin, start your treatment in late December.
7. Sinus washes stop headaches and dry nostrils.
8. The morning of the next shot is the best and worst day of your week.
9. Food exposes itself to you.  If it's bad, you'll know it.  Remember the bad food.
10. Water:  Fiji, Avian, or SmartWater.  Everything else has chlorine in it.
11. Water filter:  Filter your water at the shower head.  Chlorine kills the dying.
12. Expect to cry when watching mushy movies.
13. Friends are defined.  Enemies are exposed.  Watch the signs.
14. The treatment stops, but the effects continue (almost 2 weeks at this point).
15. Don't start complex projects.  Just keep to dishes, dusting, and washing clothes.
16. Face facts and solve them...don't run from problems.
17. Shut up when your wife tells you to shut up.
18. Shut up when your husband tells you to shut up.
19. Avoid your kids, except when you are feeling good.
20. Your doctor will say everything including wrecking your car is a side effect of the drugs.
21. Avoid making new friends or losing old friends.  Put your life on hold.
22. Expect a "noia" or two. 
23. Ambein is the king.  
24. Catch up on TV series, but Walking Dead might not be a great idea.
25. Don't trust your feelings of jealousy or distrust.  It's the drugs.
26. Google it if you don't know it.  Be sure to get 3 references if your life depends on it.
27. Never fully trust a fart.  Best sit on the toilet before you experiment.
28. Always know where every toilet in your immediate surroundings are.
29. Hold off on Salmon until you are desperate for nutrition...then feel the rush of protein.
30. There is Chlorine in Chicken with "brine" or "salt" water added.
31. Organic carrots and bananas taste better than the options.
32. Organic food dies much quicker.
33. Pho' Noodles clear your lungs out and help you breath better.
34. Blood is fascinating, testing once a month, you need something to amuse you.
35. Dark rooms and crevasses seem inviting.
36. Never watch shark week then go swimming in the Ocean...lakes ok, Oceans not ok.
37. Plan your energy levels.  Err to being a wimp.  
38. People will not understand you.
39. You will hurt yourself with a needle every week for the duration of the treatment.  
40. You will eat pills until you are sick of the pills.
41. Limping across the finish line is noble; albeit, ugly...but noble none the less.
42. Don't watch your kids play sports.
43. Another thing I think is critical to the success of the treatment was my Doctor was a woman, she had huge breast.  You may think I say this in a sexual way...but I am not.  I'm serious, a woman's breast has something to do with safety and trust.  Maybe as a kid you associate Mommy to her boobs in your face while she cradled you around...even breast fed you.  But as you get older, the boobs have a comfort factor...which is undeniable when you are fighting for your life.  Dr's with Boobs...who show cleavage, but not in the sexual sense.
44. 
    

Last mile....

So I am in the last month of the treatment, 2 or 3 months ago I started producing "No detectable signs of HEP-C" on my monthly blood tests. What this means is in 6 months after this last treatment I test one more time to determine if this treatment worked.

The energy I had at the beginning of the treatment is gone...I feel like an empty shell or a boxer in the 12th round with this blurry view of why I'm even here. An example is a lady at the grocery store talking me out of buying some baby carrots...an hour later all I wanted was baby carrots and I was too ashamed to say or admit it. This treatment has not been a good experience for me, but at the same time...it's been the best experience for my outlook on life.

Some people are born again...finding god as a new inspiration in life. I'm too pragmatic for that ideology, but I did find myself in this chemical fog. The person I was before had some rough edges that are smoothed down and matured from this experience. It's very humbling to accept support and friendship from family, coworkers, and friends.