The worm has turned...for him.

So my father is dying and as he has his whole life...is focused mostly on food.  Food...  I guess in our modern lives, we don't see food as much more than a small part of our day.  Let there be a 35% drop in that level of food and all hell will probably break loose.  I've been hungry.  I recall not having any money coming in and 3 weeks before I was to show up for a job.  With 15.00 in my pocket, I bought a huge bag of dry cat food.  By the time I got a paycheck in 6 weeks...I'd eaten that bag and lost a few pounds, but I survived.  When I got paid...I got evicted and had a job, but no place to stay.  Quitting a "thug's life" was pretty hard for me.  My partner had been tossed in prison...and our collective skills were nothing without each other...so I drifted...but kept a job, kept my nose clean...and enrolled into a community college...the turn started back then...phase 2 or 3 of my 7 possible phases in life.

Back to my Dad.  I'm not sure what I think of him honestly.  I see how he made the world work for him, but having been raised a military brat, I don't see a lot of self motivation coming from a life in the military...you have no decisions to make, every major decision is made for you.  You merely do the best you can to fulfill that "order" that "command"...  He strived to become an officer, crazy bastard went through OTS (Officer Training School) at 35 years old.  Pretty hardcore I suspect.  I believe I could do it right now at almost 50...  But I don't take away where he came from.  It's not entirely true that I find him to be the greatest person in my life...nor have I ever really trusted him with my life.  He bitched that he spent 7.5k on me over the years.  I've spent easily that much on my two kids for each year.

For him it's money and food.  The motivation for an ant is more noble by the fact an ant feels an obligation to his colony.  My dad has made perfectly clear that he's giving all his money to wounded warriors and needy kids.  I really don't care any more.  I will give my last cent to send my kids to school and prop my wife up with a comfortable path to her eventual death.  Me?  I'm not going down an old man barely alive and hanging on to each thread.  I'm going out in a bang.  My death will be for a cause much larger and nobel than myself.  I imagine a freedom fighter waging war in the streets where western and eastern ideologies clash in mindless violence.  Although I'm not a christian, I will kill the christian enemy with extreme prejudice...  Better than have my kids have to fight those sacks of meat.

My life will have meaning in this empty void of space we trudge through...

He tells me to stay away from salt...because it's killing him.  Great word of advice for your son as you are dying.  "Stay away from salt, boy...."  I've been staying away from salt for the last 20 years, because...like all important things I will pass on to my child....I had to learn without his help.

Teaching my kids...passing knowledge, giving an edge for them to grab onto.  I try to teach them things to shelter them....but honestly, all they can see is an angry old man.  I hope this angry old man imparts on them the values they'll need to move forward...whatever that future may hold in store for them.